It’s struck me that around this time on a Friday, every week, (pretty much) i would sit down and write. That’s over now, so i wonder if it might me useful to transfer these attentions to this blog. Silly and irrelevant as what i used to write was, the very fact of making it, and having it read was, i think, quite enjoyable, and perhaps healthy. The calming influence is something i would find very useful today, as i once again draw closer to fucking up.

I used to write the update for LGBT committee. As ever, i’m wary of saying nice things about myself, and i don’t want to sound bigheaded, (Which is not to say i’m not bigheaded, of course.) but the fact remains that people enjoyed my updates. This was a weekly email detailing the events committee had planned over the next couple of weeks, as well as whatever else i felt like throwing in there. And people would actually make a point of telling me they liked what i wrote. Given my slightly secret hope of one day writing, (I realise this is extremely unlikely, which is why i don’t really tell anyone anymore.) this is exciting.

But now i’m no longer on committee. As this is my final year, i was obviously ineligible to restand, and my place as secretary has now been filled. It does feel like a departure from something that’s been a huge part pf my life for some time now. I came to an LGB meeting (as it then was) in my first week at Sheffield, joined committee a couple of months later and now, five years on, i’m only giving it up because i don’t have a chance.

Well, that may not strictly be true. Five years later, i do think things may have run their course for me. I feel committee needs to move in a direction that not everyone seems to agree with. And since, in this regard, i’m a minority with little chance of convincing the others, my leaving would have probably been the best thing, whether or not it was already necessitated by my circumstances.

Committee, to me, now feels stagnant. Zombified. Little has moved on in my five years, and i now feel there are ways in which we are seriously failing, and unwilling to change, perhaps due to some inertia, or an obligation to previous incarnations of committee. My main problem is with our socials. For a long time, we have held a weekly Tuesday social in the evenings, each week a different event. In theory, this is not terrible, but the problem is that the socials generally are. Ill-thought out and poorly planned, the last one drew in three people who weren’t already on committee. Of committee, the people who are pretty much obliged to make an appearance, it drew less than half.

Previous rationales have discussed the inevitability that things will tail off as the year progresses, but i no longer buy these reasons. We are failing, and failing badly. At the end of last year, i remember discussing the same problem, and pointing out that if we obviously can’t even draw in people from committee, something is definitely not working. Then, my feeling was that we weren’t providing good enough socials. Now, i feel that the system itself is rotten.

We’ve tried to provide good socials. Occasionally we’ve even succeeded. Sometimes we’ve had quite the crowd. (Some might this as justification of the theory that numbers shrink as a year progresses, but i still see that as something that itself needs explaining, not as an answer of itself.) But that isn’t enough. They need to be good on a weekly basis in order to justify their existence.

Some seem convinced that we shouldn’t really mind too much about the dropping off of numbers, but i disagree, so much. Our role is primarily one of welfare. The other two strands are vitally important, but i believe that both socials and campaigns exist to feed into this are. (Not that this adequately explains the interconnectedness of all three.) We need to present a welcoming, exciting face, not to be just very obviously going through the motions. I’m not saying we need to have fifty people every Tuesday evening, but the Tuesdays need to be attracting more than just the three people coming out of habit.

My interpretation of the problem is that we rely too much on each weekly theme, without ever bothering to put any effort into it. And my solution, which i’ve proposed before and made no headway with, is to simply scrap this. The Tuesday socials, as they are, need to be done away with.

I still believe there should be some equivalent, but without this structure of panicking every two weeks because we’ve nothing planned one of suggestions, which failed not because of anyone else’s hostility towards it, but because at the time it was inoperable, was to convince some coffee shop or other to take us on a weekly basis. We already do this, in a way, with our weekly engagement with the Lion’s Lair, (An awful gay pub – another problem i have with the status quo) but it’s very important that we have non drinking socials, for various reasons, too obvious to go into.

As i’ve said, at the time it was impracticable, but i stand by the basic theory of this. I also feel it would free us up an awful lot. We waste time every week debating what’s to be done in each social – if they followed the same pattern this would free up so much time to talk about things that could actually matter.

It would also, i feel, free us up to put on events we’re actually passionate about. In the past we’ve had meetings on sexual health and coming out. This year we didn’t, partly through my efforts. I objected to the structure of these meeting, to the way they felt like AA meetings or were just plain boring. More than anything, i didn’t like the way they were just used to fill up the gaps in our schedule. These meetings were planned the week before, never, it felt, out of any genuine concern for the problem, but because we had nothing better to do.

I do think these are very important issues, and i feel the best way of addressing them has never been discussed. I don’t think a Tuesday social is by any means an adequate forum. I did once suggest that sexual health might be better dealt with in some kind of all-day workshop. There could be professionals, and perhaps even a time allotted so people could actually get checked for STIs without having to visit the GUM clinic, which is certainly something i’d be a bit nervous about doing. This was very quickly sot down, though, by out then Men’s Welfare rep, who admittedly is likely to have been the one who’d have had to co-ordinate it all. Still, i maintain that the idea holds water, and should have been at least considered.

Currently we are shackled to the Tuesday socials. Not only are we forced to spend probably a third of our time together as committee planning them, but we are often afraid to plan anything outside them. The things we do on Tuesdays – talks, trips – might all benefit from being treated as one off events rather than the next in a series of ideas how to fill an hour and a half. They could be better publicised, more thought put into them, and if we felt that something wasn’t going to work, there’d be no obligation to run it.

I truly feel that this approach could do a lot of good for committee, and i don’t think it’s terribly radical. But for whatever reason, (It may merely be my own inability to express myself) committee seems unwilling to take this on. I think the longer i was on committee trying to make this point and getting nowhere the more frustrated i’d have become, and the more annoying for everyone else. So i think it is for the best that my time on committee end now. (Is that subjunctive? I’ve put it as one.) Besides, i want to come back in a years time, and maybe to get back on, bringing myself to seven or eight years (on and off) contact with committee, and that’s not going to happen if i’ve burnt all my bridges with everyone.

I went into Decathlon today. I felt so out of place, surrounded by all these sporting goods. I kept going round, laughing at it all, saying things like “Golf? As if!” (Erudite commentary) And for some reason the staff all wear these odd sporty tops, with netting and fancy waterproof fabrics, as if they might all go off on a potholing expedition at any second. I’ve no problem with sport, but it’s very incongruous with my own sense of who i am. I, of course, wasn’t in there for the football or the canoeing, but for the least sporty of activities they cater for. I needed some walking shoes.

As i was doing this, i was sort of thinking in blog. This has been happening quite a bit lately. My thoughts always run in imaginary conversations, or diary entries, and recently i’ve been thinking of my blog again. This is J’s fault. (Coming back on here, i’ve wondered about if i should maintain those initials. It seems a bit silly now, and mostly i won’t bother, but i wasn’t sure if J would mind me dropping them for real names. Mostly, though, i won’t be bothering. (If this becomes a habit again)) He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he’d been looking through this again. I then read a few entries myself. They were, of course, completely unbearable, but apparently i’ve decided to come back.

I’ve seen quite a bit of J lately. Well, more than in the last four years. (Proportionally) We (LGBT committee) do this thing where we go talk to schoolkids in PSHE lessons, and i invited him along. He came, and all of a sudden was one of the gays!

That, of course, is an exaggeration. He hung around a bit, afterwards, but it wasn’t immediate. The following week was Climax, and he came, and fun was had. And now, a short time later, he’s been voted on committee.

I don’t really know how to feel about it all. I get confused about what the nature of a friendship with him should be. We were close, very close, i think. I did love him, however confused i may have been about the nature of that love. And in a way, even when our friendship lapsed, (For whatever reason. I don’t think trying to puzzle out why can really achieve much, (Not that i’d normally let that stop me)) i didn’t always feel i’d lost him. As i said, in my head, i think a ,lot of my thoughts in imaginary conversations, (Sort of. The coparticipant tends to be fairly silent, perhaps because i’m too selfish to put all that much effort into fully characterising anyone else.) and J’s always been one of the people i have those imaginary conversations with. So while in some ways it feels like revisiting things after very sparse contact, some part of me’s been talking to him all along, and i feel sometimes like i can just pick up with the familiarity we had and not have to worry about navigating this.

But i’m sure he’s changed. I’m certain i have. We can’t just settle back into things. For one, a lot of our friendship back then was based on MSN, and that just wouldn’t work now. Topmost in my concerns, though, is a worry that it may not be worth it. It’s nearly the end of this year now. Next year, if i were around, i’d likely see a lot of J, what with him being on committee. But i won’t be. Or at least i don’t want to be. The following year, when i hope to be back here, he’ll have gone. I get the impression he wants to stay around Birmingham, whereas i would never dream of moving back to Aldridge. I’ve known for a while how bad i am at keeping up a friendship over any kind of distance - (Fiona moved to Derby and i’ve seen her three times all year. Though, that said, when she lived five minutes away, we didn’t do brilliantly either) J was kind of the test case for this.

Last time we split up was horrid – a lot of the melodrama and teenageiness of it all being due to the fact that i was at the time a melodramatic teenager, but i don’t know that i’ve changed all that much – and it hardly seems worth being proper friends again for the next few weeks only to then part ways for ever..

Not that i should assume J even wants to be friends in anything like the way we were. But it does seem like a possibility. In the past, i’ve made attempts at rekindling things, (I feel a bit silly that i keep couching all this in terms perhaps more suited to a romance, but since i’ve never actually experienced more than a crush, i tend to value my friendships over that kind of thing anyway.) but they’ve felt unreciprocated. I could have been imagining things – i have a fairly bizarre internal etiquette, i think – but it felt like i was always the one trying to initiate things, and i shy away when i feel that i’m the only one who wants something. But lately it has felt a bit more like the old days. There was an awkwardness, i felt, before, partly due to my not knowing how to react to his liking God, and then liking girls. (I did worry there might be a connection, but i was right to think better of him than that.) That was my fault, though. I think i made assumptions when he told me he’d started fancying girls, and i did feel rather deserted when suddenly my best (And pretty much only) gay male friend suddenly wasn’t. And as for God, well, i have views on him. So i was maybe rather standoffish too. But now it seems that may be over, and we could almost be close again. Just in time to split up.

I’ve thought through these things fairly often recently. In writing it down, as ever, i’ve forgotten things, and jumbled others up. I just hope this is fairly coherent.

As for the shoes, i’ve found some that might do. They’re not attractive, (No even remotely like what i had in mind – a nice leather (Or at least convincingly faux) boot, to go with my tweed jacket.) but they’re cheap, and this is a major factor.

So, that whole Carthaginian thing is long over. I've just read my last post. After that he did tell me about that new boyfirend of his, in a very nice way, and i felt quite a bit better about things. But that wasn't the end of things, at least not from my side. By the time i was back in Sheffield, not long after, he was already in the process, i think, of breaking up with this guy. I had some awareness of this at the time, but, alythough there was what might have been a chance, and a moment, and certainly a willingness and a want, (for my art, at least) i did nothing, since i was only in Sheffield a week. (This on top of all my problems with confidence and all that.) And then the next time time i was back, returned from France for good, he had a new boyfried, and damn it all if this one wasn't cute and nice. I couldn't even be jealous, which was a blow.

And there we go, Persian is in a relationship.

I've felt worse. Other rejections, from boys who've shown less interest, have hurt more. Perhaps because this time was so gradual. Perhaps because the actual rejection hasn't come yet.

I don't intend to contact him now. There isn't much point. I have a fair idea now where i stand. Perhaps if he never gets in touch to call it off i'll ask why, but that sounds like it may lead to the depressing realisation that he'd never actually known my intentions.

Assuming that isn't the case, i'll actually be pretty annoyed if i don't get some explanation from him. Not that i begrudge him all this, (Well, obviously i do really, but i'm trying not to.) but he must have realised i'd see everything he put up on his facebook, so to parade all this under the nose of someone he knows is interesting, and knows believes he is too, seems a little cruel. Not that i'm vain enough to think it's actually malicious, but it's still a little thoughtless.

I think i may have a goth day tomorrow. This is possible now i finally have black nail varnish.

Sorry these posts are a little disjointed, but so am i.

"Mesopotanian is delerious from lack of sleep and overwhelmed by the sexy guy sitting in his room."

That's fairly unambiguous.

I want so badly to find out where i stand, but i have no idea how to without coming across as an utter freak and ruining any chance that some small part of me is clinging onto still. But his doesn't seem any longer like something i can just wait out. By this morning i'd already nearly convinced myself that it was all still going to be fine, we'd go out when i came back and then who knows? Now that looks less likely than ever.

And for another thing, even if we were still on, if he perhaps planned to wait and make some comparison between the two of us, how am i ever going to compete with 'overwhelmingly sexy'?

I really don't know how to handle this. I imagine i'll do my usual thing of bottling until i get roaring drunk, then absolutely put my foot in things and make a fool of myself.

I did have more worries to list about the date with Egyptian, but it's starting to look less like i'll have to. Not for remotely good reasons.

I'm teetering on the verge of one of my sloughs of despond. I'm really not terribly happy today. And i can't even really talk to anyone about it. Partly because i feel a bit silly, and i'm fairly certain this reaction isn't entirely justified, but mainly because i'm just not very good at talking about my feelings, and particularly bad at bringing up the whole subject in the first place. So my usual technique is to mope as visibly as i can, and try make sure everyone sees how down i am. The problem with that, though, is that i'm not very good at keeping in a bad mood. I think, much as i like to whine, i'm essentially a fairly cheery person. Once i'm around my friends it's a challenge to keep up a scowl for more than ten minutes, so i give up and just go for punctuating my grins with dramatic sighs. (Except not too loud, because for fear of not being taken seriously.)

So today i had a day of wandering round in town. I found another nice place to sit and be quiet and alone. I always feel so pleased to find these places. Actually, it reminds me quite a bit of my nook back in school, except less suitable for cold and wet weather. It seemed quite a good secret place, since the wall's at least waist high all the way round, and the way in doesn't look like it goes anywhere much. The graffitti proclaims that 'punx not dead'. I found somewhere to sit where there seemed to be less fresh spit. It seemed quite a good place to have a bit of a party, really, epecially in the summer, although that clearly won't actually happen outide my head. If i were a more inspirational person, or if this were a town where people were more inclined to actually have fun, perhaps, but neither of these is the case. It would have made a good place for that fantasy i talked about once on here. That fantasy that i was beginning to wonder if i might have found the other person in.

Except now i'm thinking (Not that i was ever hugely confident) that this may be less and less likely. A few days i read on facebook that Egyptian had a date with some guy in Sheffield. Not happy news. Since then my stalking has produced no word of whether or not this went well, but what he is looking for on facebook has changed from dating and relationships to just friendship. This, then, is the reason for my feelings of general shitness.

Of course, it is slightly possible that this means nothing at all, or that i still have at least some chance. He hasn't yet called off our date. For the moment, to save torturing myself, i'm going to assume that eventually he will. But if, by the time i go back home, i still haven't heard anything, i may let myself hope again.

Because why wouldn't he get bored, waiting for me. Six weeks, i'm asking him to wait for me to come back. On the promise of very little. I wouldn't wait around six weeks for me. Well i would, but only because i wouldn't be getting any better offers.

He said he wouldn't be changing his mind. I hope not. I think i do like him. I like nice, and he seems it, without the criticism so often applied to it, dull. But right now i'm not doing anything to keep his attention. He'll get bored of waiting! But i don't know what to do. I think i may be able to text from France, but neurosis gets in the way the way of that. For one thing it'd mean explaining that when i'd said i couldn't, i actually could, but chose not to because of it's being far too costly, which is now apparently not the case. For another it'd mean explain the whole thing where i have to text from my French phone, but replies should come to my English one (At the same price they'd be playing if i were still in England), which people don't seem entirely to find easy to understand.

There is also facebook, of course, but i'm really not sure of the etiquette involved. I mean, presumably you're allowed to post on the wall (facebook likes to make up silly names to make it seem not exactly the same as all the equivalent sites) of the boy you're hoping to go out wiwth in a few weeks time, but what sort of thing to post? Should i be carefully avoiding mentioning plans for a few weeks time? What if he wants to keep it all a bit secret? A date with me isn't exactly something to proudly screaming from his window. (Not that i think it's desperately humiliating either) But then, what if, in not mentioning it, it makes him suspicious. What if he thought i was embarassed? (I'm not - i blurted it out to everyone. Would have put in big letters all over the internet too, if it weren't so easy for him to find what i've written. I don't know for certain that excitement over it all would scare him off, but it seems a fair precaution to take.)

What if, worst of all, however i do (If i do - although obviously at some point i'm going to have to) contact him, he somehow reads through it all and realises quite how neurotic and worrisome i can be. That, i imagine, must be enough to scare him off.

But what if he gets bored? What if, by the time i'm back, he only goes out with me because he'd agreed to six weeks before. This would hardly be good. He could end up resenting me even more.

I want him to like me! I really do. This is the closest i've ever come, and i'm so afraid of it just petering out now. It's the closest, but i want to get closer, closer to finding an actual something, a somebody, a him.

One of the somethings i have wondered abut myself is the fact that i seem to find people being attracted to me so damn repulsive. Let's face it, in the past, i've only ever really liked people who don't like me back. And i've never been anywhere near certain that this a coincidence. And there have been people who have liked me, much as i like to tell myself otehrwise. And i've never really liked any of, despite there not being anything wrong. The most recent example would be Jeremy who Leanna was desparate for me to go out with. He was so obvious in his attraction that even i could spot it. He gave me his number. It's still there, unused.

People who do like me quite clearly have something wrong with them. Not all of me actually believes this, but i'm pretty sure some of me does.

So it's quite rare, then, that i should like someone and they should like me back, as seems to be the case with Sumerian. One of my worries is that, while right now i'm very excited about what's to come, it won't last, that i will soon come to realise how crazy this boy is for showing any interest in me. This is a large downside to asking someone out six weeks before you'll actually be able to follow through with it.

For the moment i'm hanging on, but only through a strategy i don't really think much of at all. I've been getting jealous. (I really can't claim this is entirely deliberate) Facebook is how we do all our stalking nowadays, and it makes it an awful lot easier to not be caught. And, browsing round Sumerian's facebook profile, i find someone who seems particularly to have interested him.

I, of course, have no claim over him. It is completely ridiculous getting jealous over someone who has simply agreed to go out with me. Especially since, should anything happen, i'll be, zip! right back out of the country again for another month or two. It'll be May before i could even ask him to commit anything. But still i get jealous. Not, i think, unfoundedly. If it were just me deluding myself, tricking myself out of losing interest, i'd mind less, ut i think there's actually something to be jealous of here, if i had the right to. But then, maybe that's me deluding myself still further.

So this is a fear - tricking myself, before we go out, of actually wanting to.

Right, so Babylonian and i are on for some time in my February holiday, and it is up to me to plan what we do. The only hitch is that i have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. I know it's a long time off, still over a month, but i'm rather scared. I've never taken anyone out. I've never even been taken out. (I feel, though, that i'd be a little better at that; having to be so active in this pursuit is very unnerving for me.) I really haven't the faintest idea how these things are supposed to work. Am i supposed to take him somewhere to eat? I really wouldn't be much good at that, i don't really care about food; i have trouble seeing most of it as anything except sustenance, so how would i know where to go, and what to go when we got there. People go to the cinema. It was suggested to me once, when someone did ask me out. But then it was suggested as somewhere i could take this person i wasn't particularly interested in (Though i was having trouble being entirely certain of that. (Actually, i was pretty sure, i just didn't like the idea of throwing a chance like this away so readily.)) to give me a couple of hours of silence to work tjings out. In this case i'm pretty certain i do like him, and i'd rather like to talk to him, or at least try to.

I'm sure there are all sorts of other options i have, but so far this is all i've managed to come up with. Things are in a bad way.